Tuesday, December 30, 2008

More Foosball Action!

This was a very competitive game between Scott/Kaye and Joe/Lucas (the score was 0-10, so by competitive I mean tense). I'm not sure who was the most revved up - I missed the part where Kaye started trash-talking and her cheeks turned blood red as she used excessive body English on the table! You can see Scott switch their positions once, but he did it about 3 times. I finally said, "Kaye, if you want to win you need to move to the other side of the table!" Scott was not amused.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Foosball for Special People

Here's part of game 3 in the first round of the GFT (Great Foosball Tournament). They put up a good fight but eventually succumbed to the foosball stylings of Dean and Drew, who went on to the finals and came in 2nd place. I can't remember if Tracey and Elizabeth beat Mom and me in the loser's consolation tournament - lost the sheet of paper. But what fun, eh?!

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Ya' Can't Beat a Dancing Robot!

Well Christmas was fantastic - a great week with the family. Lucas and Joe were the big winners of the foosball tournament we held. Tracey and Elizabeth hung in there, though, and actually scored a couple of points - I'll post their video later! A wonderful time was had by all, I believe, and one of the big hits was this dancing robot that Baba and Jiji gave Lucas. It says clever things like, "My Spidey-sense is tingling!" and "Fancy a spin around town?" (Now, wait a minute - with lines like spin around town, where is this Spidey-sense located????)

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Christmas Disappointments

Last night Lucas said, "Mom, wemembuh last year Santa left me a note saying he was sowwy he was out of the game I wanted so he bwought me something else? I bet I get anothuh note this year. I bet I don't get anything I asked for. But that's okay, I'll just put that stuff on next year's Chwistmas list."

We're experts at notes explaining lapses in events - see the example below, of which I am particularly proud!

Yo, yo, yo, check it out Dog, check it out….

David Archuleta lost a tooth last night – you know, the guy from American Idol? I went to get it and ended up hanging out with Paula, Simon, and Randy. I’m very sorry I didn’t get your tooth last night, so I left you an extra dollar.

We cool?

Peace out,

Tooth Fairy

(What you're missing is the giant picture of the Tooth Fairy I inserted from Clip Art - brilliant!) Lucas told us the other night that note made him feel so special, like he was David Archuleta's twin since they lost a tooth the same night!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Precious Angels Singing....and Stretching

I can't make it to the actual performance so I went to the dress rehearsal (because I really am a good mother - really), and here's a little sample. I have another clip where he actually smiles at me, but then I apparently develop Parkinson's and it is nausea-inducing for the viewer, so we'll skip that. The great thing about this clip is the kids on either side of him. Who thinks it's a good idea for first graders to stand in hot choir robes for 30 minutes singing song after song? I honestly thought the little girl next to him was fixing to faint at one point.

I think we should get back to the cheesy little plays we used to do. Like in the 5th grade when the "chorus" (i.e. kids like me who weren't cute enough to get a speaking part) had to pass around a plate of cookies and say in unison, "Thank you, Mrs. Claus." Except we were all too shy to actually say it, so the plate just kept getting passed around till the teacher said it for us.

Or in the 6th grade when I actually did get a speaking part as Anne from England where I had to describe the Christmas tree being kept in the bathtub and presents being left in our shoes, and Daddy tried to bribe me to say, "and we have a BLOODY good Christmas!" Mother took me aside and told me that would be cursing, so I better not do it. Another early opportunity at comedy missed....

Monday, December 15, 2008

What did I Come in Here For?

Well, I had something funny I wanted to say this morning, and I told Scott about it on the phone, and damned if I can remember what it was now. It was something to do with Drew.....oh! I think it was the Dirty Santa party the youth group did last night (I want you to know I sat here for 4 minutes before I remembered that). As soon as he heard it was Dirty Santa he said he wanted to go - didn't ask who was going, anybody he knew, where it was, nothing. So we pull up to the house and his friend Dillon's dad is standing in the door, so I think it'll be cool. Drew walks right on in and doesn't even say bye.

Two hours later I go pick him up and ask him what he ended up with, and he says, "a cheap yo-yo." So of course I give him a lecture about how he was privileged to go and he should be thankful for anything, etc., etc. I ask him if he had fun and he says yes. I say who did you know there, and he says, "nobody but Dillon's sister" (Dillon was sick) and a precious neighbor boy who shot at 2 of our windows a couple of years ago and used to throw rocks at the boys....and who also mooned them one time. So I'm thinking Drew's more of an optimist than I gave him credit for if he thought that was a fun party!

He shows us the yo-yo when we get home, and sure enough, it weighs less than an ounce and says "I'm drug free" on the side. I think the church got a bunch of free stuff to wrap up as gifts, then requested that the kids bring a $10 donation to a charity instead of real gifts. I've got to call scam on that. At least let the kids pick out the cheap gifts to give each other! His other choice besides the yo-yo was an address book - he pointed out that he doesn't really need to record anybody's anniversary date at this age. I'm inclined to agree.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Decorating the Tree

Video you say? It would've turned out better than the pictures did, that's for sure. All you can tell for sure is that the tree is very small. But you may be able to see that Lucas hung all his ornaments at his eye level, so there were about 20 ornaments there and the rest of the tree was bare. There was the usual little snippiness about whose ornament was whose (because of course you're only allowed to hang up your own ornaments!), but I could usually break that up by pointing out that most of the ornaments were, in fact, mine from 1979 or 1984, etc. You know Mimi always wrote the name and date on there; thanks Mimi!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Oh Christmas Tree...Silent Night

The boys and I got the tree today while Dean was working. I sawed off some lower branches using the handsaw (I was tempted to use that electric thing, but Drew can't drive yet and I'd probably exsanguinate before the ambulance arrived), and Drew helped me get it straight in the stand and carry it in the house. We had Christmas music playing while we decorated it and it was a very lovely time. The only thing missing this year was the yelling!

I know anybody with a spouse must go through this every Christmas if you get a live tree: toting it in while it's dropping needles everywhere and crashing into furniture that your spouse didn't get out of the way, getting it into the stand which your spouse has put in the wrong spot, holding it straight while your spouse dinks around and takes too long with the screws on the stand, etc., etc. Maybe you take turns being the one who's competent in this situation vs. the nincompoop, but I have to play the nincompoop every year. So this year I cast Drew in that role.

I only took a nasty tone once. I gouged my finger really good when the tree guy shoved it in the car with my help, so both boys were nauseous on the way home because I showed them the flap of skin that came up by my cuticle (I didn't even cry). I went to the sink to wash my finger and asked the boys to get me a bandaid. Lucas ran to his bathroom and came back saying, "I'm weally sowwy Mom, but I'm out of bandaids." Drew is just sitting there, so I ask him, and he says, "Yes, I have bandaids." Still sitting there....HELLLOOOOOO! I said in a very acid tone, "Well I'm standing here dripping blood in the sink - any speed you can muster to go get me a bandaid would be much appreciated." What's with these 12-year-olds?

Anyway, it was a very peaceful Christmas-type atmosphere and Drew helped with the lights while Lucas put on the star, plus Dean was very happy to have avoided that whole scene, so Joy to the World!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Never mind

Never mind that last post - we had a change of plans. You know, I don't know if it was the pressure of blogging as often as possible, or possibly having to make jokes about things like farts.....I just don't know. Maybe it's the scrutiny of the public (as opposed to the scrutiny of the privates - oh haha, that one surprised even me - where does that COME from?).

At any rate, I shall continue here relying only on your comments and constructive criticisms - feel free to let them fly; at least I'll know somebody's reading this, and that's all I really want.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Team Blog

I've invited my siblings to contribute to the Blog - it'll be the Arnold team blog if you will, though I can't change the name officially. We have yet to find out if it'll work - let's hear something from you, Scott & Tracey. (No pressure!)

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Just a Quick Lucas-ism

We got Lucas's hair cut today. He said he wanted a buzz cut so that he wouldn't have to comb it or put water on it, and that "last time I got that weally short haircut I looked so handsome with it."

And didn't I learn my lesson about using the word "buzz cut" before? No, apparently I didn't, because she whipped out the trimmer faster than you can say Semper Fi and piles of hair were flying before I could issue a retraction. Not that I didn't try, mind you. I did yell out, "I don't want to see scalp, he just really wants it off of his forehead!" But he was all smiles at the end, so I guess it went over okay. She actually made a joke about it at the end. She said, "There, isn't it nice when they can comb their hair and wash their face at the same time?"

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Yale Club Fun

Did somebody famous just get married at the Yale Club? Quick, somebody google that! My meeting was at the Yale Club, across the street from Grand Central and apparently where you go work out then spend the night if you're a Yale alumnus with no friends in New York. I was going back to the hotel Saturday during a break and was on the elevator when a lovely bride with a fancy-schmancy dress and her handsome groom got on with me. Of course she got out first in the lobby and headed for the front door, and of course I was behind her because I was leaving too, so when the photographers and video cameramen started recording I was probably in the picture.

Because there were paparazzi, people! (Okay, 2 cameramen and 3 photographers only qualify as paparazzinni I guess.) I looked at them really hard but didn't recognize them, so maybe they were just models on a shoot, but there was a mighty big party there later that night, so something was definitely up. Of course, maybe the paparazzini were there for moi, lithe and nimble, able to go to the knees in a split second with nary a flinch, then rise to towering height with the force of one quadricep alone....stumbling just a bit as said quadricep rarely gets used.

(Who remembers the Looney Tunes where Daffy Duck as Robin Hood is merrily tripping...tripping...TRIPPING along? It's really funny in my head.)

Monday, December 8, 2008

Back From NYC

I'm back! I had a weekend trip to NYC (New York CITY!!!!!) for work, and all I have to say is do not EVER stay at the Hyatt at Grand Central. Unless you bring your irritable crying babies. Or a very loud Ipod. Those walls are paper thin.....and by paper I mean toilet paper. On one side was a nice couple (and by nice I mean I couldn't hear them talking much) with a kid who screamed needlessly at any time for any reason. On the other side was a Hispanic family (although Saturday night they seemed to be speaking French) who were rather loud and sick. The poor lady coughed all night. I started to shove some Sucrets (who remembers Sucrets???) under the adjoining door, but I didn't have any Sucrets. Yes - both rooms on either side of me were adjoining. When I went to bed (and by went to bed I mean lay under the covers to listen to them instead of sitting and listening to them) I could even see the nice people's light under the door! That's the only time I've ever excused myself after farting in a hotel room alone.

(Oh, see what I did there? I made up a funny joke that would embarrass normal people, but I don't ever have gas or fart, so I can say that and not be embarrassed, because everybody KNOWS it's not true.)

The other funny thing was that I fell down in the lobby Friday night on the way up to my room after dinner. Now that was really funny, but don't tell Dean or he won't let me out of the house without an aide! I was coming down 4 little marble steps to the bank of elevators in the huge grand lobby, and somehow my left foot went into space instead of that last step, and I found myself falling gracefully to land on both knees just as pretty as you please. It must've looked like I meant to do it - there was no flailing or gasping, although there's no telling what my face was doing. Two British ladies were getting off the closest elevator and one of them said, "Are you alright there?" while turning to come to my aid. But my expression must've been so peaceful and I said, "Yes, I just missed that step completely," and somehow rose back to my feet without using my hands, so she quickly diverted back to where she was headed. (That or she thought I was dangerous.)

Anyway, I don't think I'll travel alone to big cities too much more by myself. Between the clutziness and the Mad Cow I'm a danger to myself and others. And if I ever do go back with an aide, we sho' won't be stayin' at the Hyatt!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Clarification on Dr. Pepper at 5 AM

It has come to my attention that my implications were misunderstood about breakfast with the Bonners. I preferred runny eggs to Mamaw's, which I thought were a little dry and overdone. Momma had the winners clearly. They also did not leave us alone - Papaw was always home if Mamaw had to work. We were never endangered.

That is all.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

The Exhibitionist

Tonight was the dance exhibition for Drew's ballroom dance class (don't ask - big hoity-toity tradition apparently). The boys and girls sat on opposite sides of the room, then stood and began "The Grand March" when the instructor started up the music....which was an instrumental version of It's a Small World (how old are these kids?). They met up with their partner and continued to march for several minutes for some reason, then proceeded to do the 3-count swing, 1-count swing, cha-cha, and box step or something. (Sadly, there was no tango.)

It's so sweet to watch your son escort a girl to her seat, or spin her during the dance. (A tiny tear came to my eye - shhhhh - don't tell Dean.) And the music wasn't too bad - Drew said it was "crazy music," but it was actually Maroon 5 and some other popular stuff I didn't recognize. The 2 stinkers were Mony Mony by Billy Idol (what were they thinking?) and Under the Boardwalk (really, how old does she think these kids are?). Then the final dance was with a parent, and she chose I Like That Old Time Rock'n'Roll (how old does she think we are?).

Drew did a great job, but I pulled a typical faux pas. When we rocked back (1-step swing) I soundly stepped on another mother's foot who was also rocking back.....and I mean soundly. Lucky for me we all had to sign waivers prior to dancing!

Sunday, November 30, 2008


Oh, look, I scared away my little Follower from Brazil :(

That's okay, I think he/she was up to no good - I checked out their blog and it was all about American movies with Spanish subtitles. It did have some good Latin music playing in the background - that was a nice touch. I'll have to see if I can do that here....

Saturday, November 29, 2008


Holy crap - what's that in the left-hand column?! A Follower! Oh my gosh - now there are 2 of them! Okay, Beth, you don't know what this means to me. My own brother and sister won't even register to leave comments, so the fact that you clicked the "follow" button is huge! I hope I can live up to the honor you have bestowed on me. And other follower, I don't know who you are or how you got here, but please enjoy the jokes about my bra. Really, I have no pride, go ahead. Anything for a laugh.

Scott and Tracey, no pressure on you people!

New Olympic Event?

I might call this "Stool Dancing" in the Olympics. Drew taught us the move of beating your fists in front of your chest with elbows out and Lucas took it a few steps further, which should get extra points for higher level of difficulty. I was wondering if he was going to stick the landing or fly off.

(Big) House of Cards

Who knew the fun you could have building houses of cards? But that CAN be fun; especially when you've been kicked off the computer, the DS, and the cartoon channel, and nobody will play with you. Here at the Dr. Fun Penitentiary for Wayward Boys we encourage self-reliance as well as manual dexterity, demonstrated quite well by Drew, our oldest inmate.....I mean son. (I think the fact that he could remove 2 cards from the bottom row indicates a need for more frequent vacuuming.)

And Lucas was proud to show off his house, but even more eager to demonstrate the fruits of his labor in the prison weightroom. Unfortunately, his tats washed off in the shower and his shank was confiscated when he was overheard saying, "Jake, don't you mess with my cards or I'll cut you!"

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

What did I Come in Here For?

Lucas threw another zinger at me last night. We were watching It's America, Charlie Brown, which is a real downer, since they show you how sick the Pilgrims got on the ship and you find out that only the 30 kids and 20 adults lived. Lucas kept saying, "Why do they look like they're going to thwow up?" (Maybe they should've called it, "It's Amebic Dysentery, Charlie Brown!") Anyway, he reminded me about something I should've known about apparently, and when I told him I didn't remember, he said, "You seem to be having a pwoblem with short tuhm memowy loss..."

(What the hell?????)

He said he learned that from Dory....you know, from Finding Nemo? When is the last time the kid watched that movie - like 3 years ago???? Show-off!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Dr. Pepper at 5 AM?

Okay, do you people remember breakfast at Mamaw's house? She'd wake us up around 5 AM and she'd fixed scrambled eggs (1 apiece, which was brown, non-runny, and crispy somehow - not like Momma's) with toast which was always sunken in with butter in the middle and a little burned around the edges (done in the oven, not the toaster oven like we had). And to top it off, a Dr. Pepper, icy cold! Oooh, that was such good stuff! And she had to go to work at the phone company in Birmingham, so she'd leave and we'd go back to bed after breakfast. Good times, good times.

But I have to ask - why did our parents leave us with her overnight when she had to work the next day? Did she work on weekends or did they just go out a hell of a lot????? Of course, they were in their 30's, so there you go.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Songs from the 70's

A couple of weeks ago Dean and I were in a gift shop and I heard the strains of "I got a brand new pair of roller skates..." I gasped and looked at Dean, who had heard the music and shot me a warning look immediately. That look says "Don't start singing or I'm walking out." (I get that look a lot.) I used to lie in bed at 404 and sing that song with the radio. Oh, and this was a favorite for a while - I loved me some Andy Gibb! Now I don't recognize anything about this song other than the chorus; don't know why it was so great.

There was also something called "Shadow Dancing," possibly by the Gibbs, that a girl at Shorter College used to re-enact (remember, that's when they sent me away in the 5th grade and I only lasted 3 or 4 days out of 2 weeks). I think her name was Frannie and we called her the "Shadow Dancer," so maybe that wasn't the name of a song, just that she danced to the Gibbs' music behind opaque glass walls in the cafeteria, and finally got caught. Yes, apparently that was against the rules. Now it's a very popular thing to do in clubs at Vegas......I'm told......I've certainly never seen it for myself.....why would you think that?......please stop looking at me now.

And while I was talking to Scott one day, he said, "Remember this one?" On his radio, somehow (must be satellite), was "Billy don't be a hero." I had to belt it out since the only person around was Lucas, who understands that sometimes Mom needs to sing rather loudly. "Billy don't be a hero, come back and make me your wife. And as he started to go....I said Billy keep your head low-oh-ho, Billy don't be a hero; come back to me...." I asked Scott if he was impressed I knew the words. He said he had a headache from my being behind his radio by a couple of seconds due to the cell phone delay.

I think Tracey's really the only one who can appreciate my singing. Right, Tracey? Hey, right Tracey? Uh, Tracey?

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Practice Makes Perfect......NOT!

Okay, so I was planning to re-enact some of the Coldplay concert that we saw last week in Atlanta (complete with paper butterflies), but I needed to practice first. I planned to enlist Drew's help as videographer and Lucas's as butterfly-thrower.

But what I discovered on these dry runs is that there's something wrong with my face. Everybody has always told me you can read me like a book - every emotion shows on my face. I finally understand what they're talking about. I also understand that I can never be taken seriously as a performer with all the nostril-twitches and eyebrow antics. Every time I hit a wrong note with my hand, it traveled up to my brain and sparked a facial tic.

Who's read Blink? Here're the 5,000 combinations of facial expressions he talks about. He talks about one video of Cato Caelin (sp?) on the stand at OJ's trial where he's talking to the lawyer and looks like he's growling at her in one freeze frame. I found some odd expressions in these freeze frames and had no idea I was doing them.

Another freaky thing is to see if you can sync them all up so you have a trio - NICE!!!

Oldies but Goodies, Part 2

Oh yes, now it's YOUR turn! Hey Scott, the 80's called and they want their Izod knockoff back. (Oh, wait, this is from the 80's.)

There he runs; there he goes, boogadad boogadad......and he ain't wearin' no clothes....It was too late for Tracey, she'd done been in-censed!

Aren't underwater cameras fun? Not too much in the way of striking poses, but fun nonetheless. And dear Tracey....I don't remember how her audition for Kabuki theater turned out.

Also, now I know where Drew gets a little of his messiness. I thought I was the perfect child, but what is all that CRAP on my dresser??? And look at old Sherry Nell. How old were you in this picture, about 29? Just wait, sister, I've got a MUCH better picture coming shortly!

From the Mind of Lucas

We passed a cemetery today and Lucas asked me if they put you in a box when you die, or what else can they do with you. I briefly explained coffins and cremation, and he asked me to please not burn him up because he doesn't want for people not to be able to see him anymore. Drew told him nobody sees you when you're in a coffin except graverobbers (thanks, Drew). Lucas said if we dug Pappy up what would he look like, and couldn't we pick him up and carry him back home if we wanted to?

He also is going to change his name when he turns 18......to Dry Bones. Apparently that's a character in Mario Kart. He asked me today if I thought Dry Bones Henry Batten sounded better than Dry Bones Yoshi Batten. Apparently Yoshi is another character, but not as fast as Dry Bones. Drew handled the rest of that conversation, pointing out that with 2 first names you don't need the middle name.

After conversations like these, don't I deserve a little drinky-poo tonight???? You betcha!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Before & After

Yes, of course Lucas lost interest in helping me with the tree after about 10 minutes. And to be honest, it's not much fun unwrapping wires till your fingers bleed....(maybe I exaggerate).

Oh, but isn't she a thing of retro beauty? Who knew the purple balls would go with the paint!!!

Remember that tree Momma and Daddy had when we lived in 406? Same damn thang! Just as perty! JUST AS PERTY!!!

First one to email me with the movie title wins!

New Link for SNL video

This one's currently working, though they cut out some lines and spliced in her real video. Scroll down to see video.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Gettin' Low

There's nothin' like a good dance party, and Low is a pretty good dance song (if you overlook the verse that talks about the pole in her livin' room). These boys have pretty good moves (one's got a little better rhythm than the other, but I'm not sayin' who). You'll have to watch this video 3 times: the first time your eye will naturally be drawn to the biggest bootie on the flo', the 2nd time you should concentrate on Drew's technique, and the 3rd time check out Lucas's stylings. He likes to take it face down during the chorus. Drew demonstrates strong quads at that point. I think we could've all made it on MTV's TRL.....uh, there at the end where the ratings were down.

Get up and go have a dance party of your own - there's no bettah fun!!!

P.S. For a better dance video - check out Saturday Night Live's parody of Beyonce's video for Single Ladies with Justin Timberlake - HILARIOUS!!!!!!! This was the best SNL of the year!

Monday, November 10, 2008

Oldies but Goodies, Part 1

Comments from top left down then top right down:
1. Yes, Momma, I think white hose with a white dress and white shoes is beautiful! And here are some blue bows to put on my shoes and tie in the blue belt around my ribcage. Now why don't I have any dates?

2. Who's that boy with the bowl cut sitting next to Janet?

3. "I have a cat, her name is Kitty. She is a stray, but she's real pretty.
She's got black fur and a white tummy tummy. Like I said, she's really yummy.
She jumps on my bed almost every night. She likes to play and she likes to fight.
I forget the rest of that song - anyone? Repeat the chorus.

4. Drew thought my braces were "ugly." So did everybody else apparently.

5. Lookin' good, sexy girl!

6. Scott's first day driving us to school after procuring driver's license. Why didn't the cops pull him over - he looks 9!

Sunday, November 9, 2008


The campout was a success according to the boys. Their mother isn't so sure. But let's be fair, it depends on what you call successful.

Lucas helped me put up our tent. Drew put up his own tent. My new queen-size extra tall airbed did, in fact, fit inside the tent (although I relived a childbirth experience in getting said airbed into the tent) and did not deflate overnight. We ended up eating our grilled sausage-dogs inside due to the Alabama game going into overtime and the Florida game starting shortly thereafter. The boys roasted marshmallows over the gas burner of the grill and we had delicious s'mores.

Lucas and I retired to our tent early with several books to read (none scary) and Deanie even brought us out a bowl of popcorn to enjoy, while he and Drew watched the Florida game inside. Once it was sure to be a whitewashing for the Commodores, Drew retired to his tent with Jakey, who was a-might skittish about being zipped up in the tent again. It took 3 tries for Dean to keep him in the tent while he zipped it up! Then the boys went to sleep and I set about the task of keeping Lucas in a sleeping bag lest he freeze to death.

That task went on all night. At some point I decided that if he was sound asleep, he couldn't be freezing to death, so I tried to sleep myself, but I WAS freezing to death. Plus Lucas kept rolling onto my head and we ended up very close to the open screen door of the tent, where the winds of the Arctic tundra entered. (I had left it open to keep an eye on Drew and Jake, good mother that I am.)

At some point in the wee hours, I was ready to throw in the towel. I figured Jake must be miserable and I should put him in his kennel inside, so I whispered to Drew to see if he was ready to go in, but he was dead asleep in his 20-below sleeping bag Mimi and Mr. Jim gave him. Lucas was also dead asleep (somehow still ending up completely outside his sleeping bag every 30 minutes) until some point around 7AM when he reportedly had a little accident that initially warmed him up, but then made him very cold. When I sat up and looked over at Drew's tent, Jake was sitting and looking at me through the screen just a-shiverin. Poor baby.

So I stayed in my long johns most of the day and have been ready to go to bed since I showered and got dressed. On the plus side, Dean had breakfast waiting for us when we trudged in. (And why not, since he got to sleep in the cushy warm comfort of our warm toasty bed!)

Oh the Fun $1.50 Can Buy!

Remember how I said it's the simple things that make Lucas happy? Well, true to form, he found a Whoopee cushion at the bookstore yesterday and as it was the only thing he could afford, he had to have it. Once I showed him how to inflate it, we were all treated to a symphony of GI distress, a veritable cacophany of gaseous melodies. Colonic strains issued forth from the backseat as we ran errands; so true to life that I had to ask him to refrain from playing his new instrument while in parking lots with our windows down. He spent the rest of the day perfecting his craft, fine-tuning it, experimenting with differing amounts of air and various amounts of pressure applied to the cushion, all to achieve the most sublime sounds possible.

Please enjoy the concert. And above all, "DO NOT...go in there!!!!"

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Christmas Wishes

I was thinking last night about what Lucas asks for for Christmas every year. From the time he could talk, he's asked for a "big wed suckah." Every single year except this year. And every single year, Santa has brought him a big sucker, maybe not red. The one from last year is still in the pantry on a shelf unopened (maybe I can recycle that).

And for the past 4 years Santa has also brought pajamas with feet in them. Now ordinarily a kid would be heartbroken that one of their Santa gifts was clothes, but Lucas has always loved his warm soft pajamas, and he told me the other night that he sure wished Santa would bring him some new footie-pajamas like he got a couple of years ago. (I had to make him quit wearing last year's footies because his toes were curling under and he couldn't stand up straight when fully zipped. Underestimated his size, din'cha Santa?) It's the simple things in life that make Lucas happy. He said if Santa didn't bring them, could Daddy and I maybe get him some?

Oh, yes, sweet angel Lucas, Santa sure can bring you some warm fuzzy footed pajamas for your precious little body. 'Cause there's free shipping from Land's End until November 11!

Friday, November 7, 2008

Are Ya' Ready for Some Campin'???

This is Drew's new 2-man tent. He's now ready for the Boy Scout Shooting Campout on November 22. I'm not. It's one thing for Momma to go to BOW and blow a shotgun, but I don't know about my baby doin' it. Anyway, he had to put this together by himself last night as a dry run for our campout tomorrow night in the backyard.

Yes, they were supposed to go on a county-wide Cub Scout campout at the Battleship this weekend with Dean, but who's got early Alzheimer's and mis-read the date? I don't know - I've got Alzheimer's! So that was tonight, and neither of us could take them tonight, so the consolation prize is the backyard with Mom again tomorrow night - woohoo! We did this in the summer and what fun! Sweating to death, not a breeze to be had, but we did read a scary story by flashlight and, really, that's all you need.

So I'm trying to pick out the scary story tonight (is a Stephen King shorty too intense for Lucas?) and tomorrow we'll shop for s'mores supplies. Then we'll set up camp, roast hotdogs and s'mores over the gas grill, and force Jake to sleep in the tent with Drew. (I don't think the panic on Jake's face at being zipped into a tent conveyed very well in the picture.) More pictures to follow!

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Rockin' It All Night Long!!!

We gave Drew an actual real guitar amplifier for his birthday, at the urging of his guitar teacher, who didn't think my Walmart karaoke machine was a very good alternative (I beg to differ). It has all the bells and whistles, tremolos and phasers, etc., etc. Most importantly, he picked up the guitar this afternoon without my telling him it was practice time! Now if Momma and Daddy had had an amplifier for the piano when we were growing up, I don't think Scott would've gotten that severe beating when he was 9, and I might not have hyperventilated before big recitals!

Live and learn....

Poor Man's Paintball

We had fun shopping with Drew's gift cards today. He got Ninja Gaden for the DS at Gamestop thanks to Aunt Tracey and Uncle Joe, and a 2-man tent and this Nerf game at Academy Sports thanks to Aunt Beth and Uncle Scott. The Ninja game is awesome I hear, but the Nerf game makes for more engaging video. Lucas was thrilled that it was a 2-person game and he actually got invited to play. Drew said this would be like paintball without the pain. Lucas proceeded to shoot Drew in the face from 2 feet away with a Velcro-covered dart. So much for painless....

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Birthday Boy Passes out at Paintball Party

So Drew loved his paintball party so much he fainted! They had done one 10 minute gig and came out to discuss who got hit where, and who was hiding behind what bush, etc. (fascinating, really), and shortly after embarking on the 2nd adventure Drew told Dean he was sick, then proceeded to swoon in his arms.

He was chalky white with a virtually nonexistent pulse, but after about 30 minutes of being sprayed with water and lying in reverse Trendelenberg (or was that Trendelenberg?), he felt like a new man, ready for action. Enjoy the 2 clips - 1 is only 30 seconds and demonstrates the stealth of Drew (in the light blue shirt) and Liam (who is tall in the dark green shirt); the other is 1.5 minutes but shows the strategy employed by the team taking the fort.

Okay,so just enjoy the one clip, because the other one took too long to load - so sorry!

Sunday, November 2, 2008


Well, here are the initial pictures from Halloween at the office. There should be more later when somebody emails me some pictures, since I forgot my camera. These were made after the patients left. Don't we have fun decorating the rooms!!!!! This year was "Disney movies" in case you didn't get the underlying theme. Don't forget to click on the picture to get the full effect of black nail polish, which I rather enjoyed wearing! I'm thinking about a lip piercing next.....

Monday, October 27, 2008

Just a Quickie...

Before I forget, last night I was tucking Lucas in and he said, "I wish underwear had pockets." (Oh, Lucas, you and every other man on the planet!) Meanwhile, he was trying to figure out if that thing on the front WAS a pocket or not. It sufficed, as he got his whole hand in there, but it's probably not a good place to store soda pop-tops or coins and rocks you pick up off the ground. I guess he'll figure that out.

This picture was after he got his Bobcat badge last week, where they made the parents turn the kids upside down for the warpaint application, as expressly forbidden in the Tiger Cub handbook. I felt like I was participating in a college hazing after that....I nearly turned myself in. It looks like being upside down for a while had some kind of effect on his brain, doesn't it?

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Didn't Make it to Church

I didn't make it in to my usual church today. Do you think I missed anything? By the way, there were 4 dolphins who joined me in the congregation at the dock. I caught 3 in this picture - the 3rd one is far to the left. And the squawking pelican took away a little bit from the mourning doves - I think the choir director needs to work on that. But the sermon was most excellent - we had the Big Guy himself in the pulpit, wouldn't you say?

Dog Day Afternoon

Jake had a very relaxing time at the beach, as you can tell by the photos. He likes just kicking back after a busy week and taking it easy. Oh, the peace and quiet out there lulls one into such a contemplative state. And there is so much for Jake to contemplate, like the pelicans, the cranes, those damn ducks that won't sit still for 2 seconds, and of course, the dolphins. He barks and barks, but they just swim on by and never stop in for a quick bite.

Of course, he didn't have on his Jimmy Buffett loungewear, but he was still wasting away. Come Monday.....back to the daily grind.....

Bowling Fun with Blonde Bombshells

We had an AWESOME weekend! Friday we met up with some old friends and their 2 daughters, the lovely Amy and Anna, who are 14 and 12. We had dinner with them first then drove separately to the bowling alley, and Lucas says in the car, "Those girls are just so pretty."

He was dancing non-stop at the bowling joint, despite it being 11 pm when we left. Could it have been wrong to let him have a root beer for dinner and that ice cream at 10 pm? Anyway, we also saw them Saturday, and when they left that afternoon a deep funk settled in. Lucas got tears in his eyes at dinner and said, "Do they ever eat at this restaurant?" Drew held himself together a little better, but he was obviously smitten, too. He said, "They're a lot older than I remember," with raised eyebrows.

Did I mention that Anna plays the electric guitar and Amy plays a bass, and they have their own amp? Hubba hubba!!!

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Need a Lift?

You can only watch your child go through a stomach virus for so many days before you lose it. Lucas is on his 6th day, and I'll spare you the gory details. Suffice it to say that immediately after eating his grilled cheese tonight, Lucas ran to the bathroom, whereupon Drew stated, "Now the wailing starts." Get the picture?

But I get ahead of myself. After wiping a tushy for the 5th time today (1st time was at 5:30AM, thank you very much), I was a bit snippy with everyone and so left the house in search of dinner and a breather. Despair was setting in, because I love Foosackly's but these kids don't, so what are you gonna get at a drive-thru? Then it hit me - MILO'S!!! Now these kids DO love Milo's when they can get it, which ain't much because Dean HATES Milo's. I think it's more the principle of it than the taste that he abhors, but my principle was the one buying dinner tonight, so I headed that way.

Now open up some car windows and get some Milo's and turn this song on and you'll get right, as Daddy used to say. This has been my favorite song for the past 3 months; just go down to "Play the song" and select how you want to play it, should you accept this mission. And I don't say that lightly, as this is a RELIGIOUS song and NOT for the faint of heart. No, you won't hear "Jesus" in it, but "mercy" and "grace" do make appearances and the name of it is "For Your Glory," for Heaven's sake! Ahhh.....a religious pun.....go girl!!! So, Scott and Dean (I know you're reading this), you should avoid this; but Mother and Tracey, do check it out. It's rocking and I've picked it out on the piano and you should hear Lucas sing it! Plus you can also dance to it - always important.

Needless to say, I walked back into the house a new woman, ready for more stomach cramps and wailing and skipping my Sunday school teaching gig to take somebody to the doctor tomorrow! Rock on!!!!

Another Bad Dream

Lucas woke me up at 5 AM Friday morning because he had yet another bad dream. I walked him back to his room and he told me that dinosaurs and mummies had been chasing him. (Real good idea going in the Halloween store to buy decorations with the kids. They had a special section with a life-size mask-wearing, strait-jacketed Hannibal Lecter and other scary things, like the monster whose head lifted up to show you his brain. Real nice.)

Anyway, I tucked Lucas back in and said to think about great things like camping Friday night at the beach, and wouldn't he like his music on? So what would be the greatest song to be on the radio at that moment for a scared kid to listen to lying in the dark?

You got it....Hotel California! "What a nice surprise."

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Teardrops on my pencil sharpener

Lucas shared with Mimi and myself tonight that when I was away at BOW last weekend, he dripped the tears he cried into the pencil sharpener I had given him from a previous trip to North Carolina. Drew said maybe that's why the pencil sharpener doesn't work anymore - it's rusted out. That Lucas is a con artist - when I asked him about it later, he said he was just joking. Although maybe con artist isn't the right word; just think about the lines he'll feed his wife about how much he missed her, etc. Romantic would be a better term I think.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Purpose of a Bra, Part 2

THIS is actually the purpose of a bra in my book (or on my chest). Forget all that lift and separate crap, or that support nonsense. My bra creates and projects! And by that, I mean it creates the illusion of brestesses and projects the notion that I am indeed a woman and not just a very cute man.

I have to thank Victoria's Secret for this wonder of science. So much cheaper than a breast augmentation, and virtually pain-free, the only drawback is that they do come off at night, and sometimes I have to ask, "Has anybody seen my boobs? I laid them right here!" But I simply look for the most voluptuous piece of clothing in the laundry hamper and there they are!

Lucas has even put my bra on and declared that he had boobs, but I'm pretty sure all teenagers do that at some point.....oh, he's 6 - just seeing if you were paying attention!

Now, this last picture is what can go wrong with fake boobage. I walked out of a patient's room several years ago and looked down to discover that my stethoscope had landed between my bra and myself when I put it around my neck! I'm hoping the family just thought that I had a creative place to store my stethoscope, a shelf if you will; a stethoscope cozy, as it were. That was near the beginning of my journey on the road to full-figured womanhood, and lessons had to be learned. Ah, but those are stories for another day....

The Dignity of a Dog

Now you tell me, but I think Jake would much rather waste away in Margaritaville than go look for buried treasure. But maybe he was just trying to strike a pirate-ly pose. Or maybe he was mad at the camera hogs on either side of him. But do please click on the picture and note the tiny hook for his left hand - you can't get cuter than that for only $4.08!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Purpose of a bra?

We were getting ready for Sunday School this morning and Lucas walked into my bathroom, where I had on my skirt and was picking out a shirt. He asked me what "those 2 white things were," (indicating my bra cups I guess, as nothing else that might be very pale was visible). I said "that's my bra."
He said, "What is that for anyway?"
I said, "You know, it's to hold your boobs."
He said, "But why do you need that? In case they're very long so they won't hang down like this and go boomba boomba boomba? Like that man we saw in Mimi's neighborhood who didn't have a shirt and his big belly was going boomba boomba boomba?"

Yes indeedy, to avoid the boomba boomba boomba; or in my case, the boomba boomba boomba.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Just a funny old picture

There's nothing to say, this just makes me laugh. Note how tightly Drew is holding Lucas's hand, though. Combined with the facial expression, I'd say Shadrach was not happy with Meshach!

Wonderful Wednesday

Yesterday was one of those deliriously happy days that happen every once in a while. I wrapped work up in time to pick up the boys from school, picked up both my watches from the lady at Sears (who was not the least bit bitchy and even cut up with me a little - must've been the nice twin), got a new toy for Jakey, and best of all.....SOLD MORE POPCORN!!!

As soon as we walked in the house Lucas asked if we could, and when I said okay, he yelled "YESSSSSSS!!!" They put on their uniforms (don't forget the hat!) and headed out. Drew skateboarded down into the cul-de-sac to hit up the guy who brings his little daughter around selling Girl Scout cookies every year. May I point out that I always buy 2 boxes from the precious child, who is too young to deliver a sales pitch so her daddy has to do it? Yet the guy told Drew he was in a great rush and proceeded to lay out his busy schedule, then bought the cheapest popcorn available. Did I mention the guy's a doctor? Did I mention they have a 3-story house? But I guess to be fair, I should also mention that this popcorn is the most expensive popcorn known to man, so I'll shut up with the petty comments! But you know, next time he comes around I think I'll dispense with making conversation at his daughter and tell him how busy my afternoon is, etc.

Anyway, back to the deliriously happy day - Lucas reached his goal of $300 (Coleman headlight, come to Papa!), Drew made a sale so he gets a prize at next week's meeting, and I met a new neighbor with a lovely Canadian accent who was surprised at how much the boys look like each other. You know, that's what can happen when you have the same baby daddy.

George's Gas

After pushing popcorn on unsuspecting neighbors, we were having a lovely dinner at Macaroni Grill when Lucas regaled us with a story about his friend, George. It seems that George expelled a little gas, quite audibly in fact, but failed to excuse himself to the class. Everybody hunched up their shoulders and giggled behind their hands, according to Lucas, and Mrs. Jordan made a very funny face. Lucas describes it thusly:

"Wight befoa she laughs, her eyes squeeze up like this [eyes squinting], but she didn't laugh, she just made a face."

Dean laughed heartily at that description, so Lucas decided to go for broke and embellish the story a tad, as his mother is wont to do so often:

"And latuh on, when I walked by the closet, I heard her in there going like this, [snorting sounds]." We didn't buy it.

Lucas did tell us that he told George , "I can't believe you didn't even excuse yourself!" which proves that we have succeeded in beating manners into these boys!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

BOW's a-comin!

Oh boy, it's that time of year again - Becoming an Outdoor Woman. Wake the kids...call the neighbors! No, no, tell the kids to quit cryin' and close the curtains 'cause the neighbors have done called the po-lice! This is some kind of fun - just look at Elizabeth shootin' that gun with Huggin' Bear! He tells nothing but bad dumb blonde jokes at the campfire on Saturday nights, so we've begun boycotting that in favor of drinking....uh, I mean visiting with our fellow roommates over key lime pie martinis. This year there'll be karaoke in the cabin - wonder if we can charge admission? Maybe extort some money from the other cabins just to shut up and go to bed? Much more likely!

And looky-here - I'm a poster girl for the website. My proudest moment. Mother's too....I'm sure. She was just too choked up to tell me. I know, Mom, I know.