Am I Drooling Yet?

Well the aching neck and numb hands/feet continue, and the MRI showed.....a protruding disc compressing the spinal cord - tada! So Dean advises me not to wear white pants in case of sudden loss of bladder or bowel control which can come from spinal compression. (See, I KNEW uncontrollable flatulence was around the corner!) He's referring to this video clip posted by friends on Facebook - this does have 2 foul words at the end (even in German I understand sh*t and f***). Mother, you may want to pass on this, but Scott and Tracey, you'll want to see it. Really just so embarrassing for the poor reporter.

Anyway, I'm wondering if they DO have to do surgery to remove the disc, would they charge extra to split it in two and do some implants for me? You know, like fattening your lip up with fat from your hip. I see real possibilities here...making lemonade out of lemons, you know...not really melons by any means...exactly how big is a disc?

And here's a SNL clip for my brother - just a short commercial.

I'm Just a Spaz

I was trying to find the clip from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest where Jack Nicholson shuffles in drooling to the group meeting after having his first shock therapy, then smiles and tells everybody he's just joking - that would've been a great intro today, "ya' mental deficients!" (I couldn't find the quote on the web and that's all I remember.)

So it's a muscle spasm in my neck, and the tingly fingers are leftover from sleeping with my arms over my head and stretching out those nerves. Have you ever gone to sleep like that, and when you wake up your arms are just dead - you can only fling them around by the shoulder and they're totally numb? It's kind of fun, but apparently leaves a little nerve damage after a while. Just for completeness, I'm having an MRI in a couple of weeks to be sure there's no impending paralysis, drooling, or uncontrollable flatulence. (But if it's normal, how do you explain the flatulence, doctor?)

A Pain in the Neck

Oh people, I've had what I'd call a crick in my neck for several weeks, coming and going, but for the past 2 weeks it's been my constant companion. But here's the ticky part: it was really bad while we were skiing, to the point I had to work with the pillow to get any sleep, and Sunday both hands and the bottoms of my feet went numb. The hand numbness has stayed - just kind of a tingly asleep-feeling, but still....is it a tumor? (It's not a tumah! I can italicize but I can't give it an Austrian accent.)

Dean's differential diagnosis includes a disc problem and something called "spinal stenosis." Ooh, that sounds progressive and debilitating. I'm picturing eventually dragging my leg behind me as I limp around drooling. (The bells! The bells! - with a French accent.) Will I eventually have to type this blog with my feet...if they even have any feeling in them? Can uncontrollable flatulence be far behind? (It never really IS far behind, is it?)

I've started ibuprofen to help any inflammation, but what if surgery is down the road? Will I have a scar on the back of my neck? Hey, I can tell the kids I'm not really their mother - they've seen Invasion of the Body Snatchers and would totally believe it. Maybe we should watch The Stepford Wives to really set it up! (I thought we were friends....I thought we were friends...) Oh, even better - "Boys, Mommy got a brain transplant - no more Mad Cow!"

Well, the neurology appointment's tomorrow afternoon - I'll see which angle we'll take then. Meanwhile, I better get started on that shirt I was going to make - you never know when you'll lose the use of your arms...thank goodness I've got one-touch sewing - I can run it with my feet! (The seams may be a little crooked...)

Let's Wrap It Up

I'll get off that cancer kick - sorry 'bout that! Just to reassure everybody that it was a double-edged sword, it was the worst thing I've ever been through and I felt like my life ended (the first half of it anyway), but those times with my family were some of the best ones we ever had. We got together more than we would have and we didn't sweat any small stuff. We actually looked forward to tests and doctor visits because we knew it meant a get-together.

I just remembered a funny thing from the time the hospice chaplain came to meet us at my dad's house. She asked if we could all pray together, so we're all sitting in the den listening to her pray (more of a discussion with God, it was going on for quite a while), and Drew (4 at the time) says, "Excuse me." She says, "Yes, sweetheart, did you want to add something?" Drew says, "No ma'am, I pooted."

With stuff like that happening, how can you not laugh and enjoy the moment?

Back From NYC

I'm back! I had a weekend trip to NYC (New York CITY!!!!!) for work, and all I have to say is do not EVER stay at the Hyatt at Grand Central. Unless you bring your irritable crying babies. Or a very loud Ipod. Those walls are paper thin.....and by paper I mean toilet paper. On one side was a nice couple (and by nice I mean I couldn't hear them talking much) with a kid who screamed needlessly at any time for any reason. On the other side was a Hispanic family (although Saturday night they seemed to be speaking French) who were rather loud and sick. The poor lady coughed all night. I started to shove some Sucrets (who remembers Sucrets???) under the adjoining door, but I didn't have any Sucrets. Yes - both rooms on either side of me were adjoining. When I went to bed (and by went to bed I mean lay under the covers to listen to them instead of sitting and listening to them) I could even see the nice people's light under the door! That's the only time I've ever excused myself after farting in a hotel room alone.

(Oh, see what I did there? I made up a funny joke that would embarrass normal people, but I don't ever have gas or fart, so I can say that and not be embarrassed, because everybody KNOWS it's not true.)

The other funny thing was that I fell down in the lobby Friday night on the way up to my room after dinner. Now that was really funny, but don't tell Dean or he won't let me out of the house without an aide! I was coming down 4 little marble steps to the bank of elevators in the huge grand lobby, and somehow my left foot went into space instead of that last step, and I found myself falling gracefully to land on both knees just as pretty as you please. It must've looked like I meant to do it - there was no flailing or gasping, although there's no telling what my face was doing. Two British ladies were getting off the closest elevator and one of them said, "Are you alright there?" while turning to come to my aid. But my expression must've been so peaceful and I said, "Yes, I just missed that step completely," and somehow rose back to my feet without using my hands, so she quickly diverted back to where she was headed. (That or she thought I was dangerous.)

Anyway, I don't think I'll travel alone to big cities too much more by myself. Between the clutziness and the Mad Cow I'm a danger to myself and others. And if I ever do go back with an aide, we sho' won't be stayin' at the Hyatt!

Oh the Fun $1.50 Can Buy!

Remember how I said it's the simple things that make Lucas happy? Well, true to form, he found a Whoopee cushion at the bookstore yesterday and as it was the only thing he could afford, he had to have it. Once I showed him how to inflate it, we were all treated to a symphony of GI distress, a veritable cacophany of gaseous melodies. Colonic strains issued forth from the backseat as we ran errands; so true to life that I had to ask him to refrain from playing his new instrument while in parking lots with our windows down. He spent the rest of the day perfecting his craft, fine-tuning it, experimenting with differing amounts of air and various amounts of pressure applied to the cushion, all to achieve the most sublime sounds possible.

Please enjoy the concert. And above all, "DO NOT...go in there!!!!"

George's Gas

After pushing popcorn on unsuspecting neighbors, we were having a lovely dinner at Macaroni Grill when Lucas regaled us with a story about his friend, George. It seems that George expelled a little gas, quite audibly in fact, but failed to excuse himself to the class. Everybody hunched up their shoulders and giggled behind their hands, according to Lucas, and Mrs. Jordan made a very funny face. Lucas describes it thusly:

"Wight befoa she laughs, her eyes squeeze up like this [eyes squinting], but she didn't laugh, she just made a face."

Dean laughed heartily at that description, so Lucas decided to go for broke and embellish the story a tad, as his mother is wont to do so often:

"And latuh on, when I walked by the closet, I heard her in there going like this, [snorting sounds]." We didn't buy it.

Lucas did tell us that he told George , "I can't believe you didn't even excuse yourself!" which proves that we have succeeded in beating manners into these boys!