Why Didn't I Think of That?

Lucas was quite clever in figuring out a way to swing when nobody was around to push him! Drew tried it, but he weighs too much to get any momentum when Jake grabs the rope.

I'm happy they're outside playing these days. For a couple of days there, our TV and computer were running nonstop while the babysitter watched soap operas or texted friends and I could almost smell the brain rot when I came home every day. So we put our collective foot down and declared No More Screen Time!

The next day I came home to Lucas in his bathing suit with the hose pulled up in the fort and pointed down the slide. He was flying out and landing in the mud, so he had to work out a way to come down slower. Drew had taken several big boards and hammered up a new room under the fort complete with old patio chairs and a table. He told me he used 12 nails - I don't think that'll meet hurricane standards, but they're not load-bearing walls anyway. They also figured out it was fun to spray each other on the swing, so I don't think the TV was even missed.

It reminds me of the song, "If I Had a Hammer" by Tennessee Ernie Ford, or someone from HeeHaw like Archie Campbell (BAM! Who's got Mad Cow now???):
If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the mornin'.
I'd hammer in the evenin', all across this land.
Or, well, you know, something like that.

Couple of Old Sayings

I thought about some things we used to say as kids:

"You stink like cyarn!"
I don't know how to spell it but it rhymes with yarn. Somebody told me that the paper plant used a ditch filled with water, and when the water evaporated the "cyarn" was the chemical left over and made a terrible smell. Now cyarn doesn't sound like a chemical name to me, and it pretty much stunk all the time around the paper plant, so what gives? Anyone with paper-producing expertise?

"He's dead as a doornail."
I used to think it was a nail in a door, but I think it's really spelled doorknell because I read that word somewhere, but now the Mad Cow has stolen the truth from me. Anyone?

Also, for some reason that made me think of the time I was in the 4th grade and got to go the regional spelling bee (I won at school on the word parallel after a smarmy 5th grade boy demonstrating a superior attitude spelled it paralell). Some teacher drove and another named Miss Moore rode in the front, then myself and a girl named Ruthie were in the back. Winston may have been in there too, because I remember being crowded and sitting on the hump in the middle. Anyway, Ruthie was telling us all the chores she had done so far: got up at 5 AM to feed the animals and fix breakfast for her brother, etc. and I asked her if she lived on a farm (because doesn't it make sense that if you get up that early and do chores you might be a farmer?). Miss Moore proceeded to bust a gut laughing for some reason which I didn't understand and said, "Arnold, you crack me up." (She always called me Arnold, which made me feel that I, the homeliest nerd in class, had a cool nickname. But now that I think about it, I think she called everybody by their last names.)

No Pool, But This is Less Maintenance!

So the way we cool off in the yard now is to jump on the swing and get Daddy to run us over his head - wheeeeeeee! You can't tell how high this thing is really going, but let me just say all the neighbors better close their shades if they don't want me peeking over the fence!

Out of Lemonade

These boys decided last night to sell some books. They spent about an hour and a half going through Drew's bookshelf and working on pricing and signage. I pulled out a few to keep (you just CAN'T sell Shel Silverstein - he's classic!) and set them free the next day. I helped carry out the big table, but the rest was all them. Drew set up quite a nice display I think, though early on I thought it looked more like a chair sale. Before you get all mad at how hot and miserable they look, let me say that I suggested a shady spot, provided them with a big umbrella, filled up thermoses of ice water, and even provided a pitcher of ice water and styrofoam cups to offer their customers. Drew suggested selling ice water for $1 but I taught him that if your customers are comfortable and happy, they'll browse longer and possibly buy something. A nice neighbor told Drew he should only give ice water to people who buy 2 books or more.

They stayed out about 2 hours, attracted a friend from around the corner who wanted to hang out, and made $6.50 (prices ranged from 25 cents to $1.75). After they paid the friend $1 for helping bring it all in and letting them play with his electric scooter between customers, they netted $2.50 for Lucas and $3.00 for Drew. Tough work for the money. Maybe we'll check into Ebay - less risk of dehydration!

My First Teddy Bear

Lucas and I are proud to announce the arrival of our first homemade teddy bear. He has no name yet, and he is very pitiful. As my mother pointed out (in a constructive fashion), he appears to be hand-sewn (though I did a good bit on the machine) and I did not use matching thread. It's my first attempt - I was in a hurry and pink is what was in the machine. Then that ran out so I grabbed blue. I personally think his head's too big for his body, but he is precious to me and I love him anyway. It was a pattern I found on the web from some French person, who referred to knots as "nods" and introduced me to a section I never knew existed at Hobby Lobby: doll joints. You read that right - his arms and legs move and his head even turns. (I know, I know...Superwoman!) And seeing how he's so tiny but I bought enough fur for a larger bear pattern that I started out with, it looks like all the cousins will get bears for their birthdays and any upcoming holidays!

I also see now why I never had any romantic pictures taken with my newborn babies wearing nothing while I wear a white gown and gaze at them with an awed expression - I was going for that here but it came out looking quite vacuous. Not invoking "what an angel the Lord hath blessed me with" but "Yuk yuk! Looky-here what I done got!" (the latter spoken in Goofy's voice)

More Thoughts on My Grandmother

I miss the old days. I miss going to Mamaw's house after church for Sunday dinner. (Hey Grampa, whaaaaaaat's for dinner? HeeHaw, anyone?) There was a meat plus creamed corn, black-eyed peas, collard greens (never touched the stuff myself), fresh cornbread and sweet tea. My special concoction was to mix the corn and black-eyed peas then crumble the cornbread over it and mix it up - YUM! And we were taught how to make a cornbread shake I guess, by crumbling the cornbread in a bowl of milk and eating it with a spoon - also good eats. But the first time I did that in front of non-family I was greeted with "What the HELL are you doing?"

And this dinner at Mamaw's was in the 70's and early 80's, not the late 80's when she moved in with us after my grandfather died and dinner was a sliced-up tomater and 4 green onions! Where the hell's the cornbread?! By then she was being a little passive-aggressive that the family now consisted of my mother coming home late from work, and Tracey and me sometimes. Scott was off at college, so until he came home there would be no 4-course meal.

Some more funny things I remember:
1) Mamaw didn't mind tickling your back, but it was more of a back SCRATCH, so you could only stand it for a couple of minutes. Maybe that's how she avoided having to tickle for long periods of time.
2) She held the steering wheel at 7 and 5 o'clock and didn't turn the wheel hand over hand. She scooted one hand over to the other and pulled the wheel, then did this repeatedly till she was done. She also drove really slow when I was young, and much faster when I was older.
3) She liked to get silly and dance sometimes, but they had the worst albums at their house - Eddie Arnold (one album featured Kay Arnold!), Make the World Go Away, Tennessee Ernie Ford. The best one was jokes told by that country fella with a cousin named Cletus who said "Hawwwwwwww" all the time - Mad Cow's got his name. (addendum 6/15/09 Jerry Clower)
4) She called my grandfather by his last name his whole life, but called her 2nd husband by his first name.
5) After my grandfather's funeral we spent the night with her, and as we were going to sleep she said, "I know I talked ugly to him, but I miss old Papaw."

Now I've done made myself cry, so I guess that's all I have to say about that.

Flash from the Past

From the Sunday, June 14, 2009 Mobile Press, authored by Debbie Freeland:

"Patsy Fincher took first place in the Appetizers Cookoff sponsored by the Mobile County Farmers Federation Women's Committee at the Jon Archer Agricultural Center. Her winning dish was special spinach dip. Quanna Driskell took second place with her snowpeas with chicken, and Maxine Wahl won third place with her stuffed bread appetizer."

Now read this out loud, but do a couple of things first:
1. Drop your R's
2. Channel Olympia Dukakis from Steel Magnolias (do NOT imitate Julia Roberts - totally unauthentic)

This should now come out, "Pat-seh Finchuh took fuhst place..." Are you smiling yet?

Now this just put a huge smile on my face because there's a picture of 3 smiling ladies holding trays of food, and I thought couldn't that be me? Wouldn't my grandmother be proud of me for that? That's such a Sylacauga-ish article and I imagine Irene reading it and saying, "Well I declare! Looka-here Sherry Nell at these ladies. I've got to call Mattiebelle (yes, really) and tell her to look at the paper."

My grandmother's friends were all so nice and one of them even sewed a prom dress for me (that would be the dear sweet Mattiebelle, who seemed to be about 6 feet tall somehow). Now they were all nice except for that one who thought she was "Miss Asterbutt" and had to be told to "step to hell!" (I sense that my mother is now picking up the phone to call me and give me a tongue-lashing for this one.)

Their conversations were so funny - which grocery store had their tomatoes on sale and for how much, what they were wearing to the Eastern Star meeting, how was that new catfish restaurant that opened last week. But the absolute best phone call of all: "Hey...I heard they got Mrs. Johnson up at the funeral home. Let's ride up there and see how she looks." If I'm lyin', I'm dyin' (and feel free to come on by). I guess in a small town if you know the undertaker, you can get a backstage pass before the show.