Monday, April 6, 2009
THE SWIMSUIT ISSUE!!!!
Get the Tums, people, it's the 1st annual swimsuit edition! Better get some Imodium too, just to be safe. I've gone through various swimsuit styles before finally deciding I don't give a rat's ass who sees my stretch marks and what I euphemistically refer to as my muffin-top. (Bagel's more like it.) If Jamie Lee Curtis can be in her underwear without airbrushing, why can't I be in my bathing suit? (Shut up, Scott, I wasn't talking to you!)
This pink one piece is about 15 years old and this is my tribute to Demi. There's another shot where my gut looks about 30 weeks gestation, but I just couldn't bear to post it.
Now I know I'm all sucked into stuff like FlirtyGirlFitness and losing inches with MUFA's in the diet, but truly, yoga taught me an important point about posture. Ya gotta have it. That's the fastest way I can lose 10 pounds and several inches, as well as enhance the bustline. The padding can only do so much if you don't lift it skyward! (What was that? The padding ain't doin' much anyway?)
Dean has also helped me evolve by pointing out that "the skirt" does nothing but make you look like a grandma and call attention to something you're trying to hide. Now I do think that grandmas should wear a skirt - there may be children around, for Heaven's sake, and definitely sons-in-law, but a woman of 41 just isn't there yet. So I went for a tankini, which Dean referred to as a skirt around the top instead of the bottom. And you know what, he's right! I'm proud of my lower rib cage above the belly button - who cares if the rest looks like a sack of potatoes strung around my waist? I hope that by adding bling and hair and accessories, people may not fixate on how many stretch marks there are, and how when you sit down your muffin top oozes over into your lap like a little purring kitty-cat, and....oh, is that too much information? (It only purrs after I've eaten beans!) (Oh no, there I went embarrassing my mother again - how could I?)
At any rate, I bravely purchased 2 BIKINIS, which I will bravely wear this summer. No, I have not gone out into public like this yet. (Unless you consider everyone with internet access the public.) But I will attempt to do so without self-consciousness, though always being careful to wear big earrings and never getting my hair wet, lest I look like a big white pear in a swath of blue material and padding. And I will attempt to keep my gut sucked in, though without any muscle tone that only succeeds in making my top half look Ethiopian. Whatever. If men can walk around shirtless with their guts hanging out, why can't women? I say let's go for it....